Kids

I just read someones blog who commented on how this last year changed her status from "me" to "me and my kid". I started to recall what it was like before Brenden and Kyleigh when all I had to worry about was myself. I got up when I wanted, ate what I wanted (without much worry about trying to get rid of baby fat or making sure there are lots of nutritious calories in the nursing milk), went where I wanted, when I wanted without worrying about nap times or strollers or running/escaping toddlers. But, everynight I would go to bed a little lonely (this obviously was pre-Trent as well). Life may have seemed great because I had more "freedom". But just like some things I have learned, mostly thanks to parents and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, what the world calls "freedom" comes with a price, is short lived and can never be a 'full' happiness.
My price for "freedom" is never having someone light up with a bright gummy smile just because I walked into the room. Never having to comfort a scared little toddler because the kid and Grandpa in Up are in danger in the storm. Never reading bedtime stories to a kid with a world of possibilities in his mind. Never being pulled out of bed because little guy wants someone to play choo-choo with. Later on, I will not get to see them learn to ride a bike, drive a car, date, serve a mission, get married and bring me some grandkids to play with. I want to be like my grandparents with a house chalk full of kids that multiple tables have to be brought in to accommodate the size.
The "Freedom" may have been fun for that quick shopping trip without taking 15 min to get kids in and out of carseats and strollers, but when I come home there are no kids to run around the coffee table playing tag or sweet babies to cuddle with on the couch. My goods I bring home from the store cannot compare with the goods I brought home from the hospital on birth day. One is Heavenly and will stay with me forever, while the other will fade away and go out of style by next year.
It was nice to go on road trips with friends or go to a movie without worrying about finding a quality babysitter. I had more money to spend on myself and more time to work on my wants and needs. But that 'happiness' lasted usually a few hours....with always something else to buy, somewhere else to travel and more movies to see. It was never enough. Unquenchable.
Once a baby is entrusted to my personal care, there are no semester breaks. No more time to be selfish. And is that something I miss?
When I married Trent, anything to do with "I" now had to be considered as "we". I started to learn how to put others wants and wishes in front of mine. The kids sure helped to solidify that transition. I love this new pronoun. "We" now has to be included in everything, sometimes even shower schedules. I now have an understanding of the "momma bear" idea of defending your young ones.
I have no doubt that once I pass on to the next life, we will continue to live. Just with who and exactly where all depends on me and the amount of effort I put into raising my kids. I have heard the quote that no success can compensate for failure in the home and someone asked a visiting authority of the Church what 'failure' was. The kids going astray? Unhappiness between couples? He said that failure happens when people stop trying. Cease making efforts, earnest efforts, to be better and work harder. I do hope my kids never stray, I hope they always believe in God, know that He is mindful of them. That He cares, alot. Most of that starts with me, at least when they are young, so they need to hear my testimony (and like another General Authority of the Church-Elder Bednar-said, the testimony should not only be heard from the pulpit, but frequently at home both spoken and lived). If the kids do stray, my prayers must not cease. My scripture study, church attendance, temple attendance must continue, if not be stronger and done with more conscious care. I have been given some promises that if I do not stop trying, that I will be helped in rescuing my children. I believe that promise. God has promised things in the past, and so far He has fulfilled every single one of them. Why not the one regarding families?
I have been extremely blessed with a good husband. A man who I am proud to stand next to as he leads and presides over our family. His efforts regarding strengthening our family encourage me to make my efforts more meaningful. I cannot think of anything I would rather buy, any place I would rather visit than to sit next to my handsome husband and alongside my children in a Heavenly place to go no more out. This is my prize. This is my happiness. It lasts. It is where I have happily exchanged spending all my time and money. These kids deserve it.